By Love Atiya

The day that my therapist uttered the words “Demisexual” was the day my life changed forever.

Before I dive into the meaning and how it can help you feel a little more seen I’d like to introduce myself.

My name is Love Atiya, I’m 30 years old and I am a pleasure activist and animal rights activist. I had my first kiss when I was 17, shared my “virginity” with my former partner when I was 24 and had a very unsuccessful “hoe phase” up until I began my celibacy journey around 28 years old.

In my community, a “hoe phase” can also be known as “sexual exploration with a partner or multiple partners.”

Becoming single in 2020 allowed me to dive head-first into the dating app scene since we were all stuck in our homes and that was really the only way to romantically meet people besides on social media.

I found myself going from one “friends with benefits” to the next, never achieving an orgasm, always trying to facilitate that awkward “when's the last time you got tested” conversation and then being misinformed because they were too embarrassed that the last time they’d really gotten tested was at their last doctor's appointment 5 years ago.

It all just became a lot and was really unfulfilling… Until I met this one guy!  

The only experience to top my experience with him was my first lesbian experience and that also ties into the point of this article which is, I couldn’t feel anything sexually with people because I was so disconnected from my partners emotionally!

Actually, I was highly connected. It was THEM who feared a deeper connection which then helped me feel safer in liking them since I knew they wouldn’t like me back as much (this is how self-esteem issues can show up in dating.)

Now before I share about this amazing experience, I have to give credit to my therapist who introduced me to Demisexuality.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, Demisexuality is a noun meaning: the quality or characteristic of being sexually attracted only to people with whom one has a close emotional relationship, and not on the basis of first impressions, physical characteristics, etc.

The day my therapist uttered these words to me changed my entire sex life forever. I wasn’t able to achieve an orgasm with my previous partners because the mutual emotional connection and intimacy just didn’t exist in those spaces! My body felt like it was being used instead of explored.

The reason why my first lesbian experience was so amazing, was because we were deeply emotionally intertwined and connected. I felt seen and as though she genuinely liked me, my body and the experiences we’d created together.

The same thing applied for the ONE time I have ever orgasmed from penetration. My “average-sized” male partner was AMAZING in bed because he took care of my body and before we’d engage in sex we’d talk for HOURS which stimulated me before the physical stimulation could even begin.

Demisexuality is about trusting your emotional needs while also making sure your partner feels seen and heard and connected but can you be demisexual and still enjoy casual sex?

I believe that all bodies are different, which means everyone operates on different timelines.

For instance, I can feel connected to someone in less than 24 hours. It starts as more of a curiosity and usually leads into us having a deeper conversation, which helps us connect and even if the connection isn’t DEEP within those 24 hours it’s still a rare connection that feels unachievable by most.

I’m also in a space in my life personally where I am not looking for a relationship but instead intimacy from a non-platonic partner who knows how to give me my space but is also deeply connected with me and cares about me as much as I care about them (and myself because how you care about yourself is a reflection of how you can care for others.)So what are the pros and cons of being Demisexual & having casual sex?

❇️ Pro: It is possible to have a deeply emotionally connected relationship with someone, not require a relationship & have amazing intimate sex.

‼️ Con: Depending on how much communication has happened beforehand, your casual partner could miss out on providing the basic fundamentals of after-care which can leave you feeling sad, depressed or uncared for. This is why communication is key but it’s also important to have your own after-care routine that you can provide for yourself.

❇️ Pro: You have the opportunity to feel connected and safe with someone sexually without the pressure that committed relationships can sometimes bring.

‼️ Con: There is a higher risk of contracting an STI if your casual sex partner has multiple sexual partners & doesn’t practice safe sex or get tested frequently. 

❇️ Pro: Spontaneity can be fun and helps us get out of our regular sexual routines.

‼️ Con: Sometimes the focus feels more on the sex and less on getting to know each other.

❇️ Pro: You can practice new things in the bedroom with this partner because you feel so connected (eyegazing, breathplay, shallowing, kink play... The opportunities are endless).

‼️ Con: You may begin to want more from your sexual partner emotionally because you have become so emotionally intertwined and your partner may not be on the same page.

❇️ Pro: You get to explore yourself and your pleasure while feeling safe and cared for by both yourself and your partner.

So, what do you think?

Could you be Demisexual? And can Demisexuals have and enjoy casual sex?

Thank you so much for reading, I hope this helps you gain a little more clarity, as it helped me find within myself.

About Love Atiya: 

Mostly known for her Pleasure Activism and Animal Rights Activism, Love Atiya believes in the freedom of animals and of the vulva. 

 

She’s also known for her infamous story about her mom buying her a vibrator at the age of 16 which instilled her passion for women’s rights and pleasure activism. 

 

Love Atiya cultivated her passion for pleasure and became the CEO and Creator of the Ethereal Pleasure Academy which focuses on ending the shame and stigma surrounding all things pleasure.

 

Originally from New York City, Love Atiya moved to Atlanta in 2016 to pursue her acting career and became the lead star and creator of Pure The Series. Love Atiya can also be found in cameos on hit TV shows like Fx’s ATLANTA & Production with Tyler Perry Studios.

 

Starting in 2020 Love Atiya became most known for her expressive personality and transparent talks on social media about sex, pleasure, being demisexual and teaching her audience about animal rights.  

 

Graduate of the SexTech School, Love Atiya Launched the Ethereal Pleasure Academy & Shop—a safe space for the sexually curious on July 1st 2024.

 

Love Atiya went from selling paper fans at the age of 4, to owning an arts and home decor business at the age of 13 & is currently the CEO of Ethereal by Love Atiya, a vegan and cruelty free hair and skincare line featuring all natural handmade products incorporated in 2019, The Lens Goddess Photography and is the host of The Love Atiya Experience a pleasure positive podcast featuring intimate stories and need to know sex facts.

 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/loveatiya/

 

Pleasure Positive Podcast: https://theloveatiyaexperience.buzzsprout.com/

 

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@iloveatiya

 

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@iloveatiya

 

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheLoveAtiyaExperience 

 

Pleasure Shop: https://www.loveatiya.com/etherealx

 

Vegan Hair & Skin Care: https://www.loveatiya.com/ethereal