By Hillana Micolas

In the wake of movements like #MeToo, consent has rightly taken center stage in discussions about sex. It's the absolute bedrock of any ethical and respectful sexual interaction. However, focusing solely on a minimalist yes or no can inadvertently overlook the rich complexities of desire, particularly for women. To foster genuinely fulfilling sexual relationships for everyone—men and women alike—we need to understand not just what consent is, but how it's inextricably linked to women's sexual autonomy and the nuanced landscape of their desire.

This isn't just about avoiding harm; it's about building a sexual culture where pleasure, respect, and mutual understanding thrive. Understanding these layers helps us move beyond a simplistic view of consent.

Consent: The Non-Negotiable Foundation, and Its Nuances

Let's be clear: the explicit yes or no of consent remains absolutely crucial. It's the legal and ethical line that must never be crossed. However, to achieve truly just and satisfying sexual encounters, this foundational understanding needs to be enriched.
While acknowledging its vital legal role, some feminist scholars argue that reducing consent solely to a verbal permission can be limiting. As Julie Perreault discusses in her 2024 article From Consent to Sexual Autonomy: a Paradigm Shift?, drawing on the work of philosophers like Linda Alcoff and Joseph Fischel, a simple "yes/no" might prevent overt violence, but it doesn't automatically ensure sexual justice or an ethically satisfying experience. This is where the concept of sexual autonomy provides a crucial lens.

Sexual Autonomy: Enhancing the Yes Through Deeper Understanding

Sexual autonomy isn't a replacement for consent; it's the environment in which consent can be truly meaningful and authentic. It refers to a woman's capacity to be an active agent in her sexuality: to identify, express, and pursue her own desires in interaction with others. When a woman operates from a place of genuine autonomy, her yes is not just a permission, it's an empowered affirmation of her desire and agency. What’s more, this is why age gaps in relationships, especially when the woman is young and still exploring her identity, and the man is significantly older, are often problematic, as the girl in this case cannot be conscious enough for her yes to be a real yes, what makes sexual education for both young woman and men crucial.

To truly grasp this, we must consider the broader forces shaping a woman's ability to consent freely and enthusiastically. Interdisciplinary feminist research, as highlighted by Laurie James-Hawkins, Róisin Ryan-Flood, and Raphaële Garlot in their book Consent: Feminist Approaches to Sexual Agency and Subjectivity (2023), underscores how a woman's capacity to give authentic consent, and to fully embrace her own sexual agency, is profoundly influenced by a web of interconnected factors: intersectionality, gender assignment, social norms, and subjectivation.

Understanding these layers helps us recognize that a yes or no is always situated within broader socio-political contexts and power dynamics. True consent means acknowledging and respecting these underlying factors, making it a more robust and ethical agreement.

Societal Scripts, Unequal Pleasure, and the Realities of Consent

Unfortunately, for many women, desire is often navigating a complex landscape of societal expectations and power imbalances. As Claudia Holland details in her work, summarized as Why Gender Inequality in the Bedroom Matters for Women (2020), society often undervalues female pleasure, reinforcing heteronormative scripts where sex can feel like a "chore" or obligation. Many women report a physical and emotional disconnection, often linked to mental load, lack of foreplay, poor communication, and a climate of inequality. Crucially, a significant proportion admit to consenting to acts out of obligation rather than genuine desire.

This isn't a sign of individual deficiency but rather a response to unfavorable psychological conditions (anxiety, self-control) and often unequal relational contexts, as Katie Larkin's thesis, A Critical Analysis of Young Women's Sexual Desire (2021) reveals. Women often express ambivalence about their desire, caught between seeking pleasure and the need for self-surveillance due to societal pressures and the fear of judgment.
The direct link between these issues and consent is stark. A study by Rosa Barrientos-Muriel, Fátima Expósito, and Andrea Moya-Garófano on Sexual Consent Among Female Spanish University Students (2024) found that adhering to traditional scripts and experiencing relationship violence increased the likelihood of consenting to undesired sex. Conversely, sexual satisfaction and assertiveness decreased this likelihood. The study highlights common misunderstandings around verbal and non-verbal consent, the pervasive nature of sexist cultural norms, and the profound psychological cost of insincere consent.

Intersectionality: The Overlapping Realities

Intersectionality refers to how different aspects of a person's identity (like race, class, sexual orientation, disability, religion...) combine to create unique experiences of discrimination and privilege. These overlapping identities significantly impact a woman's sexual agency and how her consent might be perceived or given.

Consider a Black woman compared to a white woman. Both face gendered societal pressures, but the Black woman might also contend with racialized stereotypes about her sexuality (e.g., being perceived as inherently more "sexual" or less deserving of protection). This can make it harder for her to assert boundaries or feel her no will be respected, particularly in contexts where racial biases exist. Her yes might carry the added weight of trying to defy stereotypes or avoid being labeled. Similarly, a woman with a disability might face assumptions about her sexual capability or desirability, impacting her ability to fully express her desires or limits without fear of being infantilized or overlooked.

Gender Assignment and Social Norms: The Scripts We Live By

Gender assignment refers to the gender a person is assigned at birth, and social norms are the unwritten rules and expectations within a society about how men and women should behave, including sexually. These norms often dictate who is expected to desire, who is desired, and how consent is given or received.

Think about the common scripts for heterosexual encounters. Men are often socialized to be the initiators, persistent, and to seek sex, while women are often socialized to be receptive, to gate-keep sex, and to prioritize their partner's pleasure. For woman, this can mean feeling pressure to say yes even when she's tired, not fully engaged or doesn’t want it at all, simply because she doesn't want to disappoint her partner or is afraid of damaging the relationship. She might internalize the idea that saying no makes her cold or unloving. Her consent, while verbal, might not stem from genuine desire but from this internalized social pressure.

For a man, these norms can create a false sense of entitlement or make him misinterpret a woman's hesitant yes or lack of active enthusiasm as genuine desire, simply because he's fulfilling his role as the initiator and she's fulfilling hers as the receptive partner. He might not be equipped to recognize subtle cues of discomfort or disinterest if he's primarily focused on a verbal affirmation.

Subjectivation: Who We Are and Who We're Told We Are

Subjectivation refers to the processes through which we become subjects: individuals with a sense of self, within existing power structures. As our collective understanding of consent is also constantly shaped by media and popular culture, it's about how external influences shape our internal sense of self, our desires, and our perception of our own sexual agency.

Serra Cefai's 2023 feminist cultural media theory of commonsense consent argues that this understanding isn't just about sex, but a broader social construct. It points out that both law and popular culture often assume consent is autonomous and neutral, yet in reality, it's infused with power dynamics, credibility issues, and gendered scripts inherited from patriarchy.

This means that even when a verbal yes is given, it's vital to consider the context. Is it truly free and enthusiastic, or is it influenced by unspoken pressures, fear of judgment, or ingrained societal expectations? This is where understanding female desire becomes paramount.

Imagine a woman who grew up consuming media (movies, music videos, social media) that constantly portrays women's value as tied to their physical attractiveness and desirability to men. This external pressure can lead to an internalized need to be sexy or easy to please. When faced with a sexual situation, this woman might say yes not because she genuinely desires the act, but because she feels it's necessary to maintain her perceived desirability or to affirm her worth in the eyes of her partner. Her yes is influenced by a deep-seated, often subconscious, pressure to perform a certain type of femininity. This isn't just about external coercion; it's about how power structures have shaped her internal sense of self and what she believes she needs to do to be valued.

Unpacking Female Desire: Beyond Simplistic Notions

To build relationships where consent is not just present but thrives alongside genuine desire, we need to better understand the nuances of female sexuality.

The Intricacy of Biology and Psychology

While hormonal shifts, particularly around ovulation, can influence a woman's self-perceived attractiveness and desire, it's never just about biology. Research summarized on Women’s Estrus and Extended Sexuality: Reflections on Empirical Patterns and Theoretical Explanations (Gangestad & Thornhill, 2008) emphasizes that while desire may increase during fertile phases, this isn't solely due to an internal libido.

Context, interaction quality, and partners themselves play a significant role in awakening desire. Hormones, in this view, modulate sensitivity to these contexts.

This integrated perspective, moving beyond a simple hormonal/psychological opposition, is key for both men and women to grasp the fluidity and complexity of female desire.
Echoing this complexity, an empirical study on Hormonal and cycle phase predictors of within-women shifts in self-perceived attractiveness (Lange et al., 2024) shows that women generally feel more attractive during ovulation, correlated with specific hormonal levels. Yet, this perception also varies with psychological factors like self-confidence and mood, suggesting that desire and attraction are a complex interplay of body and mind, not just cyclical biology.

The Normalcy of Fluctuating Desire: It's Not About You, or Them

It's also crucial to acknowledge that sexual desire for women is often fluctuating, and that's perfectly normal. It's unrealistic to expect anyone, regardless of gender, to want to engage in sexual activity every single day or even with consistent frequency. For women, this fluctuation can be particularly pronounced due to various factors like the menstrual cycle, or the mental load. As a matter of facts, women disproportionately carry the mental load (the invisible labor of planning, organizing, and managing household and family responsibilities). This constant cognitive burden can be a significant drain on energy and libido, making sexual intimacy feel less appealing, not because of a lack of affection for a partner, but because of sheer exhaustion. Broadly speaking, life stressors as stress from work, financial worries, health concerns, or simply the everyday demands of life can impact desire.

A dip in a woman's desire or a reduced frequency of wanting sex absolutely does not mean she loves her partner any less or finds them less attractive. It reflects the natural ebbs and flows of human experience, influenced by a complex interplay of biology, psychology, and life circumstances. If concerns arise about changes in desire within a relationship, the most constructive path is always open and honest discussion. Rather than bottling up worries, spiraling into self-blame, or casting guilt on one another, communicating empathetically about these fluctuations can strengthen intimacy and understanding. It creates a space where both partners can acknowledge these realities without judgment, fostering a more supportive and realistic approach to their shared sexual life.

Building Fulfilling Connections: For Her and For Him

Understanding these complexities is vital for creating more satisfying and equitable sexual relationships for everyone involved.

For women, it's about recognizing that their desire is valid, multifaceted, and deeply connected to their overall well-being and sense of self. It's about cultivating sexual autonomy, and to expect them to be valued and pursued in a reciprocal manner. This empowers a yes that is enthusiastic and truly from a place of desire. Feeling understood and seen in all their complexity, women can thus feel safer in their sexuality and in their interpersonal relationships with men.

For men, it's about understanding that a woman's yes is only truly meaningful when it's enthusiastic, free from pressure, and rooted in her genuine desire. It means moving beyond simplistic notions of getting consent and instead actively engaging in communication, paying attention to non-verbal cues, and valuing her pleasure as much as their own (warning: It is important not to interpret certain non-verbal cues as consent. These signals should be openly discussed with your partner throughout the relationship and, if necessary, at the very moment of the sexual act). It means recognizing that authentic desire isn't always linear, especially when societal scripts have often suppressed it.

Ultimately, by prioritizing enthusiastic consent, understanding the complex interplay of biology, psychology, and societal influences on female desire, and striving for true sexual autonomy, we can build relationships grounded in mutual respect, genuine connection, and profound shared pleasure.

What are your thoughts on how we can better integrate understanding female desire into everyday conversations about consent?

 

Bonus Section

References

•    Barrientos-Muriel, R., Expósito, F., & Moya-Garófano, A. (2024). Under the Shadows of Gender Violence: An Exploration of Sexual Consent Among Female Spanish University Students (Summary of published work).
•    Cefai, S. (2023). A feminist cultural media theory of commonsense consent. Goldsmiths, University of London. https://research.gold.ac.uk/34055/8/cefai-2023-consent-deception-a-feminist-cultural-media-theory-of-commonsense-consent.pdf
•    Gangestad, S. W., & Thornhill, R. (2008). Women’s Estrus and Extended Sexuality: Reflections on Empirical Patterns and Theoretical Explanations (Summary of published work).
•    Holland, C. (2024). Why Gender Inequality in the Bedroom Matters for Women. (Summary of author's work, likely related to "The Pleasure Gap").
•    James-Hawkins, L., Ryan-Flood, R., & Garlot, R. (2024). Consent: Feminist Approaches to Sexual Agency and Subjectivity. Taylor & Francis. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/08164649.2023.2473241
•    Lange, J., et al. (2024). Hormonal and cycle phase predictors of within-women shifts in self-perceived attractiveness. (Summary of published work).
•    Larkin, K. (2021). A Critical Analysis of Young Women's Sexual Desire. (Summary of thesis).
•    Perreault, J. (2024). Du consentement à l’autonomie sexuelle: un changement de paradigme ? Recherches féministes, 37(2), 167-184. https://www.erudit.org/fr/revues/rf/2024-v37-n2-rf09907/1116770ar/resume/

By Hillana Micolas

Based in Nancy, France, Hillana Micolas is our social media and community manager. She has always been strongly drawn to provocative, creative and nude representations. Her passion lies in cinematography, photography and female empowerment. Follow Hillana on Instagram. 

 📷   Adriana Lima by Pierre Debusschere